“Not all those who wander are lost”

In his Epic fantasy, The Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien includes a poem from which this is the second part of the first line. I however, cannot be so bold as to say I am 100% in agreement. I wander, I have been wandering for years and I am lost.

“All that is gold does not glitter” is the first part of the first line of the said poem. It is a rearrangement and variant of the proverb from Shakepeare’s The Merchant of Venice. I have heard people say that I used to be a happy go lucky girl living in her own dream world. If in the past I did glitter, it has all been blown away, or dusted off.

I have made up principals that I believe in and I expect the people around me to live up to these expectations. Whether I abide by them is another matter. It is unfair of me, hypocritical and I have shot myself in the foot in most recent social interactions. Brought up with the idiom that I should not “bite the hand feeds you,” I have bitten off more than I can chew. Apologies are owed to many. This is not aimed at justifying myself, nor a sick search for any sort of pity.

Aggression has become my only tradition. Regret my only friend. Being forgiven by others is my only solace. I cannot sleep at night. When I fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion, I have a reoccurring nightmare, where I shoot myself in the head. I am not sure how many more times I can shoot myself without becoming insane. Not at peace with myself, I fear that I dislike myself intensely. Hours can be spent recapping the actions and words that I have foolishly accomplished each day.

Silence is incapacitating. Thoughts, role-plays imaginary or real, memories, and quotes rush into my head invading my once peaceful soul with negativity. Music and films give me an escape from myself. To say that I am an emotionally challenged person would be a perfect description of me. That is to say it is a challenge for me to be passive. Acting and the elaborate pretence of happiness are what drive me through the day.

As the fifth child, I can no longer say I am one of five. I am very angry about losing my brother. I know deep down that he is no longer suffering but I miss him more than I ever thought possible, in every thought and breath. A part of my soul is missing. The laws of my world have been broken. I feel cheated. My heart aches profoundly. My spirit feels completely numb, and nothing feels worth anything anymore. It is his birthday on the 30^th and I am terrified.

My mother told me she felt as if she had lost 2 children in the past year. This is the extent of my character change. There is no sparkle in my eye, there is no love in my heart and there is nothing nice in my spirit. I am bitter to the core.

I am not the same girl I was a few years ago. But what scares me is that I can’t find her anymore.

“When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost; when character is lost, all is lost.” Billy Graham