Everyone makes mistakes, not moust-akes.

“Thus we have now for many centuries triumphed over nature to the extent of making certain secondary characteristics of the male disagreeable to nearly all the females—and there is more in that than you might suppose.” ~C.S. Lewis

Moustaches. Or, in American English: mustaches. I have never quite understood the reasoning behind these furry jackets that perch on top of a gentleman’s top lip. Don’t even get me started on hipster style beards as they are a whole other board game altogether.

The etymology of the word “moustache” can be traced back to the Hellenistic Greek for “upper lip” / “facial hair”: μύσταξ. Medieval Latin transformed this word to mustacium leading to the 14th century Italian use of mostaccio and in turn, the 16th century French usage of moustache that we still implement to identify such lip warmers nowadays.

I can only imagine that the male race hides behind their facial hair, as women are oft partial to hide behind their layer of make-up, or indeed, hair. I have always pondered how unfair this superficial world is: Girls may spend hours in the bathroom beautifying themselves by pasting on a façade like a clown, while boys can shove on a shirt over jeans, slap on some aftershave and as a result, they scrub up equally nice.
What exactly do men need to hide? Is a moustache a form of manly make-up? Do they feel more secure or confident behind their facial fluff?

I was faced with a rather peculiar surprise recently: I was happy minding my own business, or rather checking my emails, I happen to look up and bushy bristles are inadvertently thrust in my face. Little did I know, these bristles belonged to an friend of mine – He had grown a moustache for personal satisfaction, for a change of identity, just as though he was Clarke Kent tossing away his glasses and mortal clothes to become a Superhero. A few days later, a handsome clean-shaven man approached me; it was the same ami without his furry friend. A proud owner of a moustache for 6 months, he told me that he felt as if he had lost something very precious to him when he sheared himself. It seemed to him that a heightened form of respect and importance is given to those with moustaches.

After asking both friends and random members of the male species, I was presented with the reasons for growing a moustache, which all pointed to the same conclusion along the lines of:

 - When a woman wants to feel pretty, she puts on lipstick or high heels, when a man wants to feel manly; he grows a moustache or a beard.

Although in Western culture women avoid the growth or development of moustaches, I cannot pretend to ignore the fact that certain women do have excess facial hair and actually embrace it. The Mexican artist Frida Kahlo was renowned for depicting herself in her artwork with both a unibrow and a moustache.

Moustaches have made history on billboards! “Got milk?” was an American advertising campaign, created for the California Milk Processor Board in 1993, encouraging the consumption of cow's milk. This included numerous celebrities being photographed with a milk moustache to show their support - needless to say, milk sales soared in California.

There is an actual competition based on the area under discussion. The World Beard and Moustache Championships are held most years, and this year, Leogang in Austria was the official host.  Incidentally, it is a sport largely dominated by the Germans. I shall now list some categories of moustache that are featured in these championships, which are also moustaches that are frequently carried:

• ·      The Natural is a moustache styled without aids.
• ·      The English is narrow, the whiskers are long, pulled to the side, curled and pointed upwards.
• ·      The Imperial is where the whiskers grow from the upper lip and cheeks and are styled upwards.
• ·      The Mexican is big and bushy, pulled to the side and are allowed to grow to 1.5cm past the end of the upper lip.
• ·      The Dali is narrow with long points curved steeply upwards. This is named after Salvador Dali.
• ·      The Fu Manchu is where all areas more than 2cm past the corner of the mouth must be clean-shaven, as must all areas under the chin. The tips of the moustache extend downward.
• ·      The Freestyle is a moustache that does not fit into the categories listed above.

This year’s freestyle contestant won the judges over with this unsightly fine specimen: 

 Why am I writing about a subject that I find abhorrent? November is a month where it seems that these facial caterpillars are acceptable and indeed laudable for charitable gain. It is the hairiest month of the year: I cannot cross the street without bumping into someone parading around with some sort of whisker interrupting my airspace. Culpability is owed to Movember where the growing and grooming a moustache for the 30 days of November is encouraged. Funds and awareness are raised for men’s health as a result.  With all due respect and kudos to those that take part, I prefer a sponsored walk. Each to their own and all that jazz…

To my slight horror, when I decided to write about this subject, I had only scratched the service of the magnitude that is the moustache. Just as women can weave hair extensions into her hair, a man can even buy a moustache on eBay if he so pleases. 

“A man without a moustache is like a cup of tea without sugar.” ~English Proverb

Since I spurn sugar in my tea, I rest my case.